Soul searching

I’ve been on the most incredible, insightful journey over the past few months.

In early December I called off my impending wedding to D. Largely due to our relationship not being in a fit state to make a greater commitment and realising we were going down that path for all the wrong reasons.

Putting the wedding indefinitely on hold forced us to dig deeper and search for personal truth. For me to even go through this process meant I had to stop using alcohol to hide from my feelings and what was really happening in my life. This was the only way I could plug in my brain and remain focused on what I needed, what was and wasn’t right, what could be changed and what couldn’t.

After weeks of soul-searching and long talks, our ultimate realisation was this: we were both waiting for the other to become who we needed them to be.

And so, we separated over the weekend. Telling the girls was heartbreaking. It may feel right for us as individuals, but it feels very wrong for them. Kids are resilient though, and ultimately we know they will benefit from having happy, genuine parents who are living their lives just how they want and need to. Lily (nearly 10) has already commented on how much happier I seem.

Am I afraid of being a single mama? Not at all. My amazing Mum raised her three daughters by herself and I am wise enough to know that I wouldn’t be who I am now if our lives were different. I wouldn’t change a thing about my childhood or the person I have grown into.

Many of you know I started on the journey of motherhood by myself, and that D and I separated in 2007 for 8 months. It’s never easy going into every day knowing that it’s all up to you, but it is not impossible. You just get on with it.


8 thoughts on “Soul searching

  1. Wow, you’re amazing. Looking out for yourself in life is of primary importance. It’s the only way your kids can be happy, if you too are happy. Some of the hardest decisions are the best ones we make and impact our lives in enormous ways. Good on ya, and you and the girlies will be great :) xo

  2. Big Hugs sweets, you are a strong woman and I know you will do a great job bringing up your beautiful girls, I feel sad that you broke up with Danny, but you have opened a new chapter in your life that will be awesome. Love you lots my friend, BJ xoxox

  3. Sending lots of warm hugs your way Nikki. I too separated from my ex-husband when my 3 children were young & it was the best thing I ever did…yes it was a hard journey for all of us..but my children have grown into very insightful adults, & both my girls have husbands who are devoted to them for the people they are & not what they think they should be. My heart goes out to you, hugs Julie

  4. Wow Nikki! i have goosebumps and tears reading your post, you are a courageous woman and your beautiful girls will be also. What a huge year you are having already, i very much admire you for being true to yourself and what you believe in. You are an awesome Mumma to your girls. Sending you lots of hugs and love,


  5. such a deep post. I’ve been there, separating from my husband of 10 years, knowing that I could not in all honesty bring up two children and be true to myself, and show them a good honest model of what love should be. I hope you can continue to be strong and know that you did what you did for the absolute best reasons. It isn’t easy doing it all on your own, but as you said, it’s not impossible. :) Take care. x

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